Why I hate this blog…

It’s quite simple: I don’t know what to write about anymore. Indeed, I’ve put myself in this non-category of spewing my thoughts out. While I find it therapeutic, this blog doesn’t fulfill all the functions I want it to. I don’t post actual fiction writing on here which means the time I spend writing for this blog (which I don’t really have a lot of time for) is time that I could spend working on my book. I also love fashion and DIY projects, which I also cannot post here. And then there’d my love of travel. I can’t start a blog about travel considering I don’t travel nearly enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t intend on quitting. After all, if I can’t manage this blog for more than a month or two, how am I possibly going start and finish an entire book? I may cut back in order to allot more time to writing a book. However, I’m definitely going to be creating a secondary blog at some point. First I’d like to get a better handle on photography so I have visual content to publish. Everything on this blog is simply blocks of text. If you’re reading this, thank you for putting up with the lack of pictures.

See now I’m confused, do I invest time in learning photography or time into writing my book? There’s too many things I want to do, and never enough time. Between this blog, my social life, and my coursework, I don’t have time to sleep. But I’m still going to go for the gold. I want to have it all.

But I still hate this blog. And I hate this post in particular because it’s rushed, sloppy, and lacks focus. I’m all over the place, but I guess that reflects my mental state. Thanks for listening to my rambling. How do you deal with trying to take on everything at once? Are you stuck, like me, never being content with anything that you’ve done or accomplished?

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When people don’t make sense: INTJ’s

I don’t have anger management issues, people just make me angry constantly. Why? Because people are stupid on every level in every aspect of life. And that boggles my mind on a daily basis.

For many years I was unaware that this aspect of my personality could be attributed to my Myers-Briggs personality type. Of course, there are people who believe that the test is load of horseshit, and while I certainly won’t be using it to make important decisions, it does a pretty good job of categorizing my personality. In fact, it’s the most accurate description I’ve found, so let’s get back to my anger towards people. According to the test, INTJ’s really want people to make sense. I expect people to be reasonable and direct, but I’ve discovered that these traits are rare. Therefore, I must go about my day consistently flustered by people making illogical, emotional, dumb decisions. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about psychology here. I love psychology and I can psycho-analyze people like it’s my job. But there’s a missing link in my brain where the concepts all make sense but the person does not.

When I ask people why they make bad decisions, I’m always met with emotional responses and/or really larges gap in judgement or reason. And it’s not always easy to express how stupid I believe someone is being, because surprise, people don’t like being told their feelings don’t make sense. In fact, it can lead to some really uncomfortable conversations and debates. When it comes to relationships with my friends, it can leave some insecurity in the relationship. What if that person get irritated with my constant picking? What if they decide not to be friends with me anymore?

See, the bigger issue with people not making sense is it truly effects my interpersonal relationships. They’re not some random person that I can sit there are judge, they’re someone I care about. I can’t be angry with them, but I still feel the same frustration. The struggle hits really hard when dealing with my boyfriend. He will express his feelings to me and sometimes instead of listening, I have to counter-point every argument he is making. It’s like a game to me; it’s not a conversation it’s always a debate. Also, it straight-up doesn’t make sense to me to turn off that switch. I don’t want to behave in the manner that frustrates me so much. I don’t want to toss aside logic. What if what he’s saying really doesn’t make any sense? Am I supposed to ignore this fact because it’s the “right” way to react in that situation? I cannot accept that idea.

Therefore, there must be a piece of the puzzle that I am missing. I think it may be my emotional intelligence. There must be a state of intelligence where I don’t have to disregard logic, but still learn to empathize and understand what people are feeling. I could also stand to learn how my actions can cause feelings, as much as I don’t always see the correlation. And finally, there must be a way to calm the burning rage I feel when people do not make sense. I don’t know, maybe I just have anger management issues.

Is anyone else an INTJ (or some other personality type) struggling with emotional maturity? What steps have you taken to combat these struggles? What have you found that works the most?

Why your grades aren’t as high as mine – some honesty

If I’ve not made it clear that I am a college student, now you know. In fact, I’m a neurotic college student. I push myself to obtain the best grades possible. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that many people attending college have different priorities, or believe that grades aren’t everything – they’re both wrong and right. I’m not going to get into why I agree with that idea, because this is a rant. Let’s look at the bigger picture: College is expensive, no matter what. It costs both excessive time, effort, and money. No matter how a person funds their college education, whether it be loans, grants, subsidizing, or scholarships, somebody is paying oodles of dough for that education. Therefore, for these people to get so caught up in events that honestly do not matter to their goals in the long run is absolutely wasteful. I’m sorry, but when a single class costs 2,500 dollars, I’m not going to settle for a “C.”

Let’s not forget that many government loans, as well as scholarships, have certain requirements, often involving minimum GPA’s (grade-point-average.) Currently, I receive a couple thousand dollars from my college each year because my GPA, and therefore when I see my classmates moaning and groaning about having to do work, or acting so shocked when they realize an assignment is due tomorrow, I die a little on the inside. I know what kind of grades laziness yields, and if I engaged in such slacker behavior, I’d lose my scholarship money. It honestly just makes me cringe. To reiterate for the millionth time: those people are wasting thousands and thousands of dollars to yield C’s and B minuses. Now that I’ve successfully made myself sound like a soulless Hermione Granger wannabe – let’s keep going and explain the behavior I constantly see displayed by my peers – and why my grades are better.

  1. I read the fucking syllabus. How did I know that assignment was coming up? How do I know what that assignment entails? How did I have all this work done ahead of time? No, it’s not magic, I read the syllabus. It’s all right there, in the goddamn syllabus. Every time someone, usually group partners, ask a ridiculously annoying question about an assignment the answer is usually in the syllabus. This level of stupidity makes me want to scream. The teacher didn’t ask us to read the syllabus to waste our time, they put useful and important information, due dates, and expectations for our work in the class in the syllabus. Clearly, these people couldn’t be bothered to help themselves.
  2.  I pay attention to due dates and get things done ahead of time. No, not everybody has the same twenty-four hours in a day, and many students have jobs. However, many of those same students sleep on their assignments until the day before they’re due. I know at least 90% of those people had time to start their assignments beforehand but didn’t. Then they are forced to complete their work half-assed at the last minute. If there is anything I have learned in college, and I’m a junior, it’s that when I have free time I should utilize it and complete my work. It always pays off because I don’t have to stress about last-minute assignments (except when I’m put into groups), and I actually end up with more free time. Why am I meeting people my age and grade or older who still have not figured this out?
  3. Commitment. Plain and simple.
  4. I don’t let drinking or drugs come before studies. In fact, I don’t drink or do any drugs at all. I happen to know people who do both and still get good grades, because they have their priorities in order…

Maybe that’s the biggest problem I see with others at college (and well, maybe with human in general). They don’t have their priorities in order. Nobody said going to college means no sleep, no social life, no job, no money, no fun. However, it does involve sacrifice. I don’t get all of those things all of time, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have friends, or any income, or any fun. All prioritizing means is that my grades won’t suck, because I understand the value of my education plus the huge cost I’m expending in order to attend college. Maybe Jack, Sally, and Joe should take note! Until then, I’m sorry for being such a type-A bitch. Wait…no I’m not.

The time I “had” to watch Fifty Shades Darker…

In “celebration” of Fifty Shades Freed coming out next month, I’d like to talk about the time I was “forced” to see Fifty Shades Darker in theaters. It was my friend’s seventeenth birthday and she really wanted to see her first R-Rated movie in theaters. I resentfully agreed and just a couple days later I found myself regretting my decision. At the very least, nobody can tell me to “give it a chance,” because I have, and the movie sucked. The whole series is an absolute shit-show but I’m sure you’re already aware. Therefore, I’m not going to explain why I can’t stand the series.

There is nothing more frustrating as an aspiring writer than seeing a fan-fiction turned into a legitimate book series – making the author millions of dollars (good for her I guess) – when it’s utter garbage. I could write a really terrible, unromantic, creepy, plotless smut and make lots of money. However, I don’t want to be remembered for such a poor piece of work.

I’m sure that’s a legitimate fear for many writers. It seems incredibly easy to write a cliche novel that will appeal not just to middle schoolers, but also a large population of romantically desperate 20-and-30-somethings. It will probably involve some vague protagonist, who in has depressingly low self-esteem. The protagonist must be paired with some type of Mary Sue who is mysterious, utterly-gorgeous, and falls in love quickly and intensely. Then, all you must do is add some type of fantastical situation that challenges the new-found lovers commitment to each other. I have to give props to J.K. Rowling who didn’t follow that obnoxiously overdone route, or even Susan Collins. Sure, the last book in The Hunger Games series was a bit of a mess, but at least Katniss wasn’t a total wash from the beginning. She didn’t instantly fall in love with Peta, instead she was forced to play that role in order to survive. The capital audience is almost like readers and viewers today in that they just adore love stories like Katniss and Peta.

Anyway, with so many writers failing to break beyond the cliche’s of popular young adult novels it becomes incredibly clear to any aspiring writer that they must make a terrifying decision: be creative to the best of their abilities and potentially make no money and gain no recognition, or turn out a run-of-the-mill novel and know that’s how people will remember them. Even if they go on to create other works, chances are their secondary works may not sell as well.

Personally, I don’t feel this dilemma. I’d rather not create some horribly cliche novel filled with boring, pointless, or overdone tropes. Again, that’s not how I want to be remembered, but I definitely recognize the pressure facing authors. I remember having this exact conversation with an english professor/writer at my school. I could see the exasperation in his eyes. I’d feel the same way too if I was in his position. It’s seems impossible to get recognition as a writer. There’s so many writers. Everybody’s got ideas. What makes it to mainstream media? A ton of garbage. Still, I can all hope that I’m the next George R. R. Martin – that is to say I want what I create to be well-known enough to pay the bills and be well-reviewed. Until then, all I can do is write.

 

Are You Allergic to Accomplishment?

Are you allergic to accomplishment? Do you constantly make plans to improve your life but never follow through? Do you have goals or dreams that are most definitely achievable, but never get manifest?

Maybe you’re doubting yourself too much. Maybe you’re scared that your plans won’t work out the way you envision. Maybe you’re scared your dreams won’t be as wondrous and magical as they were in your head. Maybe you’re scared you don’t have the required abilities or that you “don’t have what it takes.”

There you are, sitting on your computer or phone, thinking about all the things that could exist in your life if you gave them the proper attention. You won’t master the piano ten years from now if you never start playing. You can’t write a book if you never start writing. You know this is true, you’ve heard it before, but the idea never translates into your everyday life.

Your allergy to accomplishment is fueled by doubts and laziness, or maybe it’s mental illness, disability, and uncontrollable circumstance. But there are plenty of other people out there that have accomplished amazing things with all of the above. I’m not saying that you have no reasonable excuse, I’m saying that we already know that it’s possible to achieve when the odds are not in your favor. For every story of success there’s a pool of other people who didn’t succeed, and a substantially larger pool of people who didn’t try.

I’m typing this up today because I’m also allergic to accomplishment. I’ve have a multitude of ideas and dreams over the years, and it’s taken me until now to discipline and commit myself to achieving these goals. This blog is my journey to success. Where’s your journey to success? Have you started yet? Can you? Of course you can. I believe in you, and you should believe in you too. Here’s a short list of things that I believe can aid your journey/get you started on your own journey: (because they’ve helped me too)

  1. Identify your disadvantages. Many people are disadvantaged and start out much further back in the race than those who ware luckier or more privileged. But your disadvantages aren’t a death sentence. Write down ideas about how you can change your circumstance or supplement the situation. If you’re a writer with no laptop, you might have to use internet cafe’s or libraries to write. You might have to hand-write a book until you have access to a computer. You might have to utilize patience as your progress will be slower than others. Perhaps after reading this, you’ve realized there is nothing holding you back except yourself…
  2. Be mindful of negative thoughts and insecurities. I have found that half of my problem in life stem from insecurity. It’s always important to be mindful of negative thoughts when they enter your head, especially the ones that tell you “you will never succeed,” or, “nothing will ever change.” From a psychological standpoint you are training your mind to believe you can accomplish nothing. However, breaking up the thought cycle can be a key factor in your success (though it’s one of the most challenging things to accomplish especially if you suffer from mental illness).
  3. Identify bad habits in your life that get in the way of success. These habits could be anything from a nicotine addiction to prolonged procrastination. These habits have to be jettisoned from your life. And I can’t tell you how to rid yourself of addition or bad habits because those are intense struggles on their own. What I can say is there’s a certain amount of willpower involved. If this habit is holding you back you need to ask yourself what you want more: the goal or your habit? You have to want to change.
  4. Identify your advantages and strengths. What natural talents do you have? How passionate are you? Are you a people person? Do you have an interesting or unique perspective? Use your strengths. Revel in them. Learn how you can improve on those talents and how they can aid in your journey.
  5. Acknowledge that some accomplishments are more about the journey than the outcome. Not everything will work out the way you want it to but it doesn’t mean it was all for naught. What can you learn from your journey? And where can you from wherever you end up?
  6. Nike. Just do it.

Finally I’d like to note how much I hate sounding ra-ra about life. Life sucks, period. But you can make it suck less. You don’t have to dream forever with no payoff. You don’t have to be allergic to accomplishment. (haha, full circle)

via Daily Prompt: Allergic

A Love List of Horror Movies + Writing Update

I’d be lying if I said I’ve completely figured out what to do with this blog, because as an eclectic person, it’s just too damn impossible to stick to one topic. However, the universal point of my blog is to continue writing even though this blog isn’t the main focus on my writing. I am currently in the beginning stages of writing my first book. Of course, like this blog, I am having trouble figuring out exactly all what tone or subject the book is about. I’ve come up with a loose idea and a few characters and one of the genre’s I’d like to explore is horror.

Naturally I’m sure you’re thinking: then why movies? Wouldn’t it be a better idea to look at exemplary examples of horror literature? To that I say: of course, but I also happen to love movies because I’m a very visual person. If I may digress for a moment, it’s incredibly frustrating to be naturally talented at writing when visual arts appeal more to my creativity. I love to see art is all it’s visual manifestations but I have always had a natural affinity for writing. Therefore, I choose to in part study the storytelling in movies. Really, movies are quite similar to books in that they tell stories with an added visual and audial aspect. Anyway, without further ado, here’s a list of horror movies I have enjoyed or that inspired me: (though I assure you I am probably forgetting a few…)

  1. The Babadook
  2. The Descent
  3. The Conjuring
  4. Cabin in the Woods
  5. Alien
  6. Event Horizon
  7. Get Out
  8. Hush
  9. The Witch
  10. The Mist
  11. Carrie
  12. Silence of the Lambs

You’ll probably notice most of these have a female protagonist. That’s because the book I’m writing has two lead female characters. What I also really love about some of these movies is their uniqueness and artistic nature. As an author I strive to create a work that doesn’t tell the same story that has been told over and over again. I don’t want to write the same generic young adult novel that we’ve all read a million times. That’s boring and frankly, I can do better.

 

2018: Resolutions, Goals…

I realize this is a long list, and I’ll talk about that later, but I wanted to share some of my goals for the year as well as some of the bucket list items I hope to cross off spanning various categories. I’m going to split thing lonnggggg list into four parts: Resolutions, Goals, Bucket List/Misc, and Food!

Resolutions: permanent changes to your lifestyle. 

1. Get fit and stay fit! I know that it’s stereotypical but I think I have a good shot. I already started going to the gym this year and I’ve made progress. My goals pertaining to this resolution are:

  1. Increase muscle tone/strength.
  2. Be able to run at least 5 miles without stopping.
  3. Practice yoga once a week (at least.)

2. Meditate once a week. I’m not much of a spiritual person, however, meditation is good for the mind and the body. I absolutely cannot relax due to my anxiety and I am hoping to change that this year.

3. Draw at least once a week. I’ve been wanting to increase my artistic skills for a while. This is slow burner so I don’t expect too see a ton of progress for a couple years. I’m ok with slow progress in this area of my life.


Goals: desired achievements or outcomes. 

1. Write a book. This goal is the most important to me. It’s absolutely crucial if I’m ever going to be a writer: I have to start writing. I’ve wanted to write a book since high school and I never carried out the idea. The problem is I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE. No idea feels good enough.

2. Maintain my GPA (grade point average)/Kick ass at university. Oh, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t neurotic about my GPA. The cost of college-education is too high to be earning C’s and D’s in my classes. Sure, maybe “C’s get degrees” but it doesn’t impress anybody and it doesn’t earn scholarships. Plus I’m going to a different university this year – so I’m definitely going to struggle. I will not let it destroy what I’ve worked so hard for.

3. Travel somewhere new. This is always on my bucket list for each year.

4. Read 20 books. I got a nook (for almost free) this year plus I have tons of books I have not read yet. I have no excuse.

5. Beauty goals: clear up my skin, stop biting my nails, and grow out my hair. Here’s to a better-looking me. I’ll talk more about these later if I succeed.

6. Double my savings. I had only a thousand dollars at the beginning of last year and now I have way more saved up. I’d like to double that. It’s definitely possible.

7. Donate blood. I have to do something that’s not completely self-serving!

8. Make some serious headway with my scrapbook. Frankly, I have too much shit waiting to be glued onto 12×12 pieces of paper.

9. Finish up decorating/fixing up my room. I’ll be living here for two more years. I might as well have a nice looking space.


Bucket List Items/Misc: 

1. Go skydiving. This is for my birthday. But maybe I’ll wimp out.

2. Take a tai chi class. 

3. Have a spa day. Haven’t we all wanted to be in a pamper montage from a movie?

4. Go camping. It’s been too long.

5. Get a tattoo. I own a cool shirt that says “kiss my tattooed ass,” yet I have no tattoos. No, I do not wear it in public.

6. Visit 3 attractions in my local city. 

7. Get my fortune told by a psychic. 


FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! 

1. Eat at 10 new restaurants. 

2. Make sushi.

3. Make caramel apples. 

4. Make ice cream. 

And there we have it! Everything I want to accomplish and experience in the coming year. I always hear that new years resolutions should be realistic and obtainable. I can only agree to a certain extent. In fact, I subscribe to a different theory about goal-setting.

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.” —Les Brown.

I like to set the bar high for myself. As long as I am able to accept that I may not obtain everything I set out to do, it will not hurt me in the long run. I’m setting out to write a book in 2018 and if I only write half of the book, then I still have half-a-book more than before. That rhymed.

What are your goals for the new years? What changes would you like to see in your social life, skill set, mental health, career, spirituality, family life, hobbies, or appearance? (or none of the above). I will be coming back to this list before 2019 and talking about what I did and did not accomplish. Finally:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!